Stay away during lightning storms...

Sometimes I think I'm the clumsiest person on the planet. Injury and misfortune seem drawn to me. Those around me have gotten used to it, but whenever I meet new people and explain how badly I can hurt myself, they seem surprised. Let's just take a closer look, shall we?

In the last few days, I have:

• electrocuted myself trying to plug in my hair dryer.
• punched myself in the face when trying to adjust my purse strap

In the last few months, I have:

• gotten a terrible black eye from a collision during a basketball game
• gotten another terrible black eye from opening my car door into my face

In the last few years, I have:

• contracted pneumonia from a simple sinus infection, despite taking antibiotics at the first sign of symptoms.
• contacted hand, foot and mouth disease, which usually only occurs in infants and small children.
• broken my nose in a rather unfortunate flag football accident
• gotten two black eyes at once from a completely different flag football accident
• hit myself in the head at least 400 times because of my ridiculously terrible depth perception.

Despite my efforts to avoid hurting myself, I think I'm doomed to a life spent in pain. The good news is that our new house is fairly close to the hospital. Believe me when I say this was a contributing reason to why we liked it so much.

Now, does anyone have an ice pack and a protective helmet?

Bad Mom

So lately I've been worried about my mothering skills.

Not pregnant, not where we're going here.

But I am a dog mom, which totally counts. Now, I know you're not supposed to love one child more than the other, but is it super bad to love one doggie more than the other?

Don't get me wrong, I love them both for their individual talents, but Einstein can play dead and roll over and loves to snuggle under the covers with me.

Scooter just eats poop and then her burps smell like farts. Gross.

So I ask, do any of you like one pet more than the other? And you feel wracked with guilt like I do?

My life is bizarre.

1. I just got a phone call from some random number. When I answered, all the guy would say was, "What's up, buttface?" Then he hung up on me.

2. I got a facebook message from a 60-year-old man I don't know that said nothing but, "What a nice picture." I suppose the only appropriate response is thanks?

3. I got 3 more emails from my fake husband. You remember him, don't you? This time he let me know that our son had a basketball game, that he was taking our son to a haunted house this weekend, and then he sent me his online itinerary for his flight in two weeks. I'm starting to think the only way I can get him to stop emailing me will be to book a seat next to him on that flight and explain in detail that he's not my husband....and that he needs to learn how email addresses work.

I would say that this day couldn't get weirder, but I think that's just asking the universe to send me a singing candygram from a midget clown stripper.

Back from vacation...or something like that.

So maybe it's been about a month since I posted anything. I'm going to call it a blogging vacation rather than the obvious truth of me being too busy to remember to post anything. Sorry loyal reader (hi Mom!).

What's even worse? We have big things happening in our life, things that are totally blog-worthy.

We bought a house!
We decided to make the leap and invest in a house rather than keep putting money down the drain in rent. Being first-time homebuyers made the whole process even more appealing, what with that 8k incentive.

The house was built in the early 1970s and has a tiny little kitchen, but we love the rest of the house enough to love the kitchen too. For instance, the dining area has the most wonderful brick wall and large picture window. I'm not sure why I love the brick so much, but I do. The piece of furniture you see on the left is a built-in china cabinet with a wet bar. Fantastic.
The house also has brand new laminate floors throughout, which is fantastic. And the dogs will soon have a HUGE backyard in which they can wear themselves out so they don't come inside and tear around the house like coked up weirdos. Also, the backyard backs onto a public park which is fantastic. And the two large trees are pecan trees....I guess that means I could pick my own pecans. We'll see if that happens.
The living room has two fantastic large windows to the backyard and park. For some reason, the previous owner had large curtains up over them. What a crazy! I won't be obscuring my view of nature. Plus, how cute is that door?
So that's our major update. I'm still deciding on paint colors for the house (no white walls! White walls are for rentals!), but I'm thinking a nice khaki in the living/dining/entry area with perhaps a navy blue accent wall. I need ideas, people.

Oh, and we're closing Nov. 20th, so we'll need help moving/painting too.

I can tell you're all on the edge of your seats to help with that one.

People suck.

One of my favorite blogs I read is Dooce. This makes me one of millions who read and love Heather Armstrong.

Apparently there are also thousands of people out there who hate her with the passion of a thousand suns. I know when you write in a public setting about your personal life that you are opening yourself up to criticism, but man, these people are harsh.
Sometimes I'm glad I never have any comments to read because at least no one is telling me that I'm ruining peoples' lives with my pig vomit. (Believe me, that's TOTALLY tame compared to some of the rest of her hate mail.)

What I love about Dooce, however, is that she got tired of keeping all the loony emails to herself and decided to hit her haters where it hurt: by monetizing the hate. It's perfect.

Click through. I promise it will make you feel good about yourself. No matter how crazy you are, you're not that damn crazy!

Mustaches are gross amazing.

My hubs is a huge OU football fan, which means I have to stare blankly at the screen watch the games with him every Saturday.

When Bradford got hurt a couple games ago, we both noticed the same thing when backup quarterback Landry Jones came in: his tremendous mustache.

Image by David Ubben, The Oklahoman
Taken from "Landry Jones and his mustache reach celebrity status," NewsOK.com

I mean, with a mustache like that, I'm surprised he took a break from luring kids into his panel van to play a football game. Doesn't he just look like a person who would offer your kids suckers in the park? CREEPY!

Apparently the mustache is a big enough craze that the Daily Oklahoman, our fab daily newspaper here, wrote a story about it. And in that story? A quote from the head of the American Mustache Institute.

Not only is there an advocacy group for facial hair, it's been around for nearly half a century. And you must visit the website, it's amazing. Gallery of famous mustaches? Check. Logo complete with handlebar American flag? Check, baby! A picture guide to the 13 main mustache styles? Check! (Landry Jones is sporting the Chevron, but I think he could totally pull off the Imperial or Walrus)

Even though I think it will, the world never ceases to amaze me.

P.S. Holy moly, I just discovered a link on the page to the Stache Bash, held yearly in St. Louis because it's home to the Gateway Arch, the "largest mustache in the world." Oh my God, I want to go so badly!

Your mission, should you choose to create it

I hate mission statements on resumes, because really, the whole objective is to get a job. Why even put some buzzword-y, jargony mess on your resume? Although, I have to say that I love this mission statement that was shared with me by a friend:

To effectively create the implementation of any conceivable idea that contributes positively towards benefiting the organization where I am called to serve, the community where I live and then the nation and may be the entire human race.

Changing course of the human race, one conceivable idea at a time...